Last month my dear friend Kerry Jean from South Africa passed away due to a fatal accident. She has been on my mind constantly. This girl was beautiful in every way. I haven't met many people who had the spunk and zest for life that Kerry had. She was beyond generous in her kindness toward others. She had an incredible dedication to her family and the gospel that can only be admired and sought after. I only knew her a short time and she made such a difference in my life. She and I would send books and movies to read back and forth via snail mail between America to South Africa. Often we'd find funny cards and gifts to put in the packages. They always seemed to come at a time when I really needed a little boost. Kerry was amazing at just that…lifting others. My last experience with her in person happened to be in the Johannesburg Temple. She and I were folding clothing in the laundry room there and discussing our unknown futures. Of course being single at the age of 30 was an unwanted thing for both of us, but neither of us had a good explanation for why we wanted family so much and hadn't received it yet. That's just not a question that can be answered generically. However, Kerry being wise and in tune said something that has stuck with me since. She said, "I don't have any answer's Holly other than I know Heavenly Father loves us and has a plan for both of us". Kerry's plan included leaving this Earth quickly, most likely so she can watch over others. There are many people in her life that need her. Perhaps she will be capable of even more than she was on Earth, in Heaven. I know she has probably already met her prince and I am positive he adores her. You can't not adore Kerry. My plan is unknown still. And that is ok. I am trying to figure it out and navigate the path I am supposed to be on. I understand that I don't have all of the answers and will not receive them until I am supposed to. Unanswered prayers are sometimes our life vests in life's tormented oceans. I understand trials and tender mercies and God's refining tools. I am thankful for them. But still I wonder, which path do I choose? I'm always choosing between two positives. I've pretty much weeded out the negative choice but when someone so treasured leaves your life in an instant, it forces to the surface a couple of haunting questions. Serious questions.
The first, for me was…
- If I left the Earth right now, would I be prepared to meet the Savior face to face?
- Have I done any good in the World today? (this is not a question for my readers, this is a question for me)
Since Kerry's passing I have done a lot of pleading. There are times when we kneel and pray and thank Heavenly Father for our blessings and ask for help, and then there is pleading. Really, truly seeking for answers to these questions. There is a ginormous amount more that I can do. But what I mostly plead for is the confidence that Kerry had that "everything will be ok because Heavenly Father loves us". Don't get me wrong, deep down I know that too. I just want to feel it. I want to trust it. I want to know it without question and carry that spirit within me and all around me as Kerry did. I want to be better than I am. In the end I just want to know I am getting it right! Time will tell.
Sweet Kerry lives on in so many hearts. In my heart. She got it right! I love you Kerry Jean and I am so grateful for your gifts. Now find me a prince will you?